not that this is a bad thing not that im in a bad place; today i thought of a funny statement
"i think i'm depressed..haha"
hahahahha
yeah thats a real connundrum aint it?
it's just that im not quite sure where im going or what i'm doing or what i "should" be doing or what i "want" or what i want to do with myself/everything/everything....
everything...
i know i want to to go to school, i know i want to play music, i still want to model, i still want to live.
"i'm just tryin to live"
thats all..whats so bad about that..nothing i suppose but i'm not quite sure what to do.
not that i mind the fact that nobody trusts me in a financial sense, since i am financially untrustworthy i suppose..in theory, i'm totally a bad idea..but in theory, a lot of things are.
(but i know its nothing personal, it's just so personal that it can't be personal, like a double negative, you know, a conundrum. you gotta watch your own back before you can watch anybody elses, and i completely understand that. so now i've got to watch myself. i've got to watch myself, but maybe i'm just trying to grasp for something that i want so bad that i felt like i missed out on, something i felt that i never got to really experience, but maybe i just missed the boat. maybe it's just i've got to accept this and realize that i have to move on.)
but then again a lot of things arent..
so what do i do.
do i trade location for price and work to live?
then go to school for a little while..
or do i stay here..do i stay here and stay secure? but i don't want to settle, and i know security is never the answer, because at the end of the day, if you lock yourself in a steal house with electric fences and house alarms and guard dogs, well then you never get any birds or bees in there. you never get any outside sources or outside fundamentals in there. you never get the jist of really living. you've just caged yourself in because you're so scared of what's out there and you dont want to be touched and you dont want nobody in there and you want everybody out and you want to just be "secure".
but fences and dogs and alarms don't always represent security.
maybe it's something less subtle than that, or perhaps something more subtle. maybe it's something that's right in front of me and i just can't see it.
or maybe i'm not letting myself see it.
a phrase i really dislike that i've been told multiple times in the past couple days:
"make a decision tesla, just make a decision."
(oh gosh and this wasn't even in a life situation..just the matter of which server was to take which table.
gosh)
well what if i don't want to!
i'm so indecisive, i hate deciding on this/things
but i also don't want someone else to make decisions for me.
the next song that plays is my fortune..ever play that game?
weird..
yeah man, i'm not quite sure what to do..baby steps? baby steps forever since i am a baby and all..forever..
nothings weird here, nothing's really changed..i've just grown up i guess..or began to..kind of weird..but not really..it's inevitable and so i've accepted that fact, just now that i'm actually responsible for everything i do is weird..not that even before i was a "legal adult", if i wasn't "responsible" and my mother was, well shit, i don't want that either.
maybe i just want to be in love.
but not how i was in love before, at least not with the tolls it took on my little brain.
not like that..real love.true love..maybe it'll come one day, maybe it won't.but i won't let it get me down either way, and i won't go churchin(searchin) for it neither. it'll just come along and slap me right dab in the face one day; i suppose.
sounds cheezy, and i know i'm no longer boy crazy, but maybe i just want some body to love, in the words of jefferson airplane..
oh god i've really hit rock bottom.
but not literally?
there's nothing to complain about,
1.i'm not addicted to any substance exceptions of ciggarettes and coffee and food, but shit i'm only an inhumane human right
(the phrase "i'm only human" is no excuse for anything fyi)
i think a confidaunt of mine once told me that
this song's kind of cool in a gayly weird way..it reminds me of being in 5th grade and thinking stuff is really cool then you look back on it and you're like, what the hell was i thinking?
yeah
i'm still a baby.
2. i'm really fortunate in more than one day(way)
2a. i'm smart
2b. i am pretty inside and out(i'm not gonna lie, people love the pie)
2c. i am talented
2d. i am real
2e. i'm not afraid of most things
2f. i have a beautiful loving family and i love them all for everything
2g. the friends i do have are pretty amazing themselves, although i know we won't ever be in the same places and have the same things that we once had, things will never be the same
2h. i know the alaphabet...
2i. i'm not a starving simalian child and i am an american citizen who has the freedom to do whatever whenever wherever with whomever i everso please (in theory could back five(fire) but so could a lot of other things okay?)
2j. basically i'm just very lucky and i appreciate everything i have and have been given.
3. but now, is it time for me to take everything and run?
3a. run with it that is..
4. or do i just take everything and run...away, and start a new.
5. well girl...i'm really not sure what to tell ya.
6. i guess you can just go with it and see what happens, well i just guess that's what you gotta do anyhow..
nothings gonna change here, i'm still the same here, unless i change here, ill make my grave here.
but where oh is here, it's not with that i think
fore if it was here, and if i was here, itd be a lot easier i think
but i cant think really, of things that i couldve had or lost
cause since i had them at all, my loves remelted into frost
and now the ground is hard and heavy
and now the lakes frozen too
and now the oceans turned bright orange
instead of sipian tilted blue.
but i can't keep swimming in the tang, oh no
oh now i've got to change man, but i'm not really shure how
and now i'm just floating all around not really sure where to go,
but i'm supposin that i'm knowsin, cause that's just the way i be
okay mixture of i don't know
sure i'm a poet.. SYKE
ahhahahaha oh, well a girl can only dream.
