oh sweet sweet

oh yes, sitting here on the patio in texas is a big change from anything nearly close to california. but as i'm sitting here, it has only made me realize tenfold how much i love the golden state. golden and brazen and beaming and coastal and lovely and full and fresh and lovely lifeforms take place here. (i supposed im speaking as if i'm there already since my heart is laid there and forever will be) I still love san francisco, i still love it til the day i die. I think about all my time spent there, woawie do i ever. i've never experienced anything like i did in san francisco. being mezmorized by the cityscape, the history, the energy there just filled me up from my shoes to the tip of my nose. i can't help it! i still love it there, but i do believe my time is not right or ripe to be travellin up that way to permenently stay, at least not yet. i've bound to get my barings straight, before i make that my place of permenence. maybe i'm making the wrong decision? maybe i'm not.. maybe ill never know until i get there, the tide is high and i'm holdin on. and i cant wait to just be back in california! breathin in that ocean air and feeling the sticky salty sweetness of it on my skin. i long to feel that stickyness on my skin as opposed to humidity stricken heat stroke bleakin, sweat dripping down my neck and feeling the heat everywhere in places i've never felt heat before, save my magical nights in san francisco!




oof, the thoughts just take me back, which i know i will never go back to, those moments are everlocked in time, in my mind, just waiting to burst out and share themselves with the world, some of which i had to accept and except situations in my mind before i could come to actually tangibilize these inaudiable beautiful times. yes i know, better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all, but isn't it so much nicer to just love and never lose? but then i suppose you would never know what's so sweet without the bitter. you've gotta have the bitter to have any inclination as to what the sweetness taste like. and it tastes o so sweet. yes, yes yes. mostly raining, but that one week of sunshine was a great week in time. see! you can't have the sweet without having the bitter. and the bitter was frickin bitter but the sweet, well hot dam, i've never had anything so sweet, made my tongue melt and my cross just snap into pieces while still on my neck.




i left home a torn little girl, trying to find solace in something that i knew would(or could) never be, finding myself in theory i suppose. and i came home, a torn young little lady, trying to find solace in my mind as to something i knew could,(or would) never be. go somewhere to find something, then come home to find something? well how could that be? well, how could it not be? maybe i was just to realize that i dont have to go any further than my own humble backyard to find what i've really been scowering for my entire life. maybe the moment i stopped looking it would just pop out and say hello and give me a little lay and let me stay forever. maybe, could be, indefinantly. what are the odds? well i stopped questioning what the odds are a long time ago in my stint in san francisco. what are the odds? there are no odds. everything IS odd, and will forever be odd, so just accept that fact and keep on pushin towards the coast, never back down, and never let that frown turn into an upside down smile for too long, you'll get wrinkles and look like you're smelling poo. and who likes to smell poo?

i live the see and the see loves me

my skin is really warm almost all of the time here..
i'm not complaining but it's jsut weird feeling! and transferring from air conditioned all day, then having moments outside cleaning up cups or colleting checks or overall bussing tables or seating a holes, the warmth actually feels really nice. I never thought i'd say that but hey, whats new. So today i felt like i was actualyl in hell. i felt the feeling of the physical feeling of what it may be close to being in hell would feel like. I was riding my bike over the bat bridge and i swear it feels always like its shaking like it's going to collapse, and i picture sometimes myself speeding REALLLLY fast across it, just making it over the edge of where it cracks off and then i make it and i live. but today i thought i couldve fainted on my bike. and then i started thinking about how someone would find me laying on the corner with my bike all sprawled out and like, trying to figure out who i was ahhahahah..i guess in theory this is funny but in actuality it's not really? oh well, i thought it would be funny.
but then i got to work and ate my sandwhich and realized how hot it really is and its not really that funny.
but it is funny when the server asked the old man how his rice pudding was and he said

"gummy"
Gummy?"

ahhahaha i couldnt stop laughing..of course, what's new..
but hey at least i'm getting some good material out here...i guess that's the whole purpose of this mission..new flavours, new material, bring it back home, then feel what it feels like to be alone, but then feel what it feels like to be somewhere where i am never alone becuase i have the ocean air and the breeze circulating everything, my thoughts, my breathes, my skin molecules, everything.
i think being landlocked in corporates the following:
no body's breath is ever passed very far away, maybe it is because it's so windy here sometimes, i guess that's what it has going for it here.
every ones mental energys and all that gunk just get recirculated back into the ground because it just absorbs it beucase, it just does.
whilst when somewhere near the ocean it allows it to carry it to far away lands and so on and so forth and vice versa..i mean i believe that here maybe it's just different people's energys from like, alabama and kansas that's being recirculated, and maybe that's why it feels so weird here.
or maybe this isn't the reason at all maybe it's just in my head which it probably is but what isnt anyway?
ANYWAY
when i was riding across the bat bridge i actually for a second tried to rationalize if this is almost what hell could feel like..in theory, it's really fin hot there, that's pretty much all i could compare being here to being like hell..it's really not that bad, but i'm supposin it's just not for me this little place called texas.
i like to refer to it as the devil's gooch, cause it dang well feels like it!

i just feel like, not like i'm not happy being here, beucase i am very happy with jenny and its really very nice to see here, but, i don't think i'm bound for land inclusion..
EVER.



i wish this song was longer and not from a weird ace cartoon only on at 3am about hillbilly squids..

what the hay america

what does it feel like to let yourself go

not literally, but quite literally. or maybe more so figuratively? i'm not quite sure..not like in the sense of you stop caring about yourself, i.e. hygeine, habits, general train of thought, you know, the typical way typical people typically think of the phrase,"letting yourself go". maybe more so in the sense of surrendering completely to your senses and your sense of self. what you want, what you dont, how you feel, how you dont, what you love, what you dont, if you do, then follow through...you know? not holding back, not letting one moment go unsurpassed by being "afraid" of whatever it is that you may be afraid of. being in love? not being in love? spilling your love feelings to the one you love and them not loving you back? or maybe never even getting a chance to spill those little beans. knowing and accepting that you're a beautiful human being on the inside and outside can go towards this statement as well. one may be hesitant to the truth behind the statement. not unusual. however, once you get past the fact or the idea that it is not unusual to believe that you are the most beautiful thing inside and out, life gets a little brighter. the trees are greener, the wind feels not as hot, more of a refreshing twist that adds onto this godforsaken heat wave of a place where, yes, the locals say it's just going to get worse. aint' that a crummy statement.


"don't worry, if you think this is bad, it's just going to get worse."


haha well sheeshe, id sure hope not! not necessarily thinking about this statement in regards to the weather, but in the things in general. generally it's been used to my ear in reference to the weather, since it is over the top and i stopped looking at the weather forecast before i ever left san diego. BUT, generally, i knew what i was getting myself into with coming here, but not really. i really did not know what to expect, and i still don't. but i suppose that goes with everything i do and choose to do and will do forever and ever til death do us part until i die. and it's not that you're being consided or cocky or anything like that..its just when you truley believe in yourself and what you're capable of, then maybe that's one of the stages of letting yourself go.




and it's thundering and lightinging and i think it's about a hundred degrees. ain't that some stuff